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King Rat
Private Life
I Get So Emotional Baby

I’ve been known to cry in front of people before. Lots in fact. Any kind of public grief will have a decent chance of setting me off.

Last night, for the first time, I experienced nearly breaking down just because I was so overwhelmed. I’m good at soldiering through. I never once felt like I was going to lose it during mom’s illness. Tired, stressed, and very definitely broken. But soldiered through.

The last week and a half of Gramps being in the hospital has just been rough. Gram’s dementia is very serious, though she’s mostly lucid. But she can’t be left on her own, even though she thinks she’s capable of taking care of things.

The last two weeks I’ve been under a deadline for work. I was handed a broken project in a language I didn’t understand with no requirements and working with a service that has incorrect documentation. I had another project that possibly had to be done before the first of the year.

So I was driving Gram to and from the hospital. I talked with Gramps a lot. I worked from the visitor lounge on the cardiac ward. I’d work until 3 am as well.

I really wanted to go to Heather’s birthday party last night. But shepherding Gram through her medication took nearly an hour. I left their place around 10:15. Decided I was going up to the party anyway even though I knew the place closed at 10:30. On the way, I started losing it.

No vacation. Missing stuff I want to do. Work pressure. Laundry and cleaning undone. A best friend who stopped talking to me 9 months ago. Handling dad. Handling grandparents. Another night of working until 3 am.

It finally got to me.

I’m better now. Both projects aren’t needing me for a while. Gramps is home and my grandparents will be moving to assisted living hopefully within the week. My girlfriend Sharon, despite me being a Christmas grump, bought me an awesome Christmas present (pajamas that won’t get me arrested) and painted a card for me. Spent the day mostly on Gram and Gramps’ couch.

Last few years I’ve written a year in review kind of thing. I think this post about covers it.

Cross-posted from King Rat


7 comments or Leave a comment
daystars From: daystars Date: January 1st, 2010 02:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Love you, Phil, and it was good to see you last night if only for a couple of minutes. Would you like help with your laundry and cleaning this weekend? I'd be happy to do that. I know you're not asking, but I'm offering just the same.

It's good to know that you're prepared for impromptu pajama parties now.

Also, I am so very glad that your grandparents will be making the transition to assisted living. I hope that goes well for all involved; it's a big change, but it sounds like it's been necessary for quite awhile.

Also also:

Edited at 2010-01-01 02:35 am (UTC)
gkr From: gkr Date: January 1st, 2010 02:35 am (UTC) (Link)
I won't refuse the help. :)

Or pajama parties.
daystars From: daystars Date: January 1st, 2010 02:37 am (UTC) (Link)
You're on. I'll come over in pajamas, we'll make an afternoon of it. I want to see your fancy pants! (I slept with a pink lavender-stuffed pillow that has kittens printed on it last night... because your girlfriend is awesome. Pillow fight? ;)
gkr From: gkr Date: January 1st, 2010 02:40 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't do pillow fights. Besides, while that pillow is pretty, it's kinda under caliber for a pillow fight.
a_muse_d From: a_muse_d Date: January 1st, 2010 07:09 am (UTC) (Link)
ah, dude. congrats on surviving another year with the rest of us *hugs*
burgunder From: burgunder Date: January 3rd, 2010 06:23 pm (UTC) (Link)

What can we do?

What can I do?

Love you.
burgunder From: burgunder Date: January 3rd, 2010 06:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
p.s. I blame you:

(actually, it's kind of awesome. hmph.)
7 comments or Leave a comment