Yesterday, I went to Hump 5, The Stranger’s annual amateur porn festival. I missed the first year, but have gone every year since. This year was the awesomest! The best in terms of entries overall compared to other years. And also awesomest because because I took my girlfriend. Sharon’s awesome for going with me (and for lots of other reasons). But enough mushy stuff, porn!
- Dance Belt – Two very cute girls and one guy do a naked spoof of Beyonce’s Single Ladies. Awesome part was the naked guy running the camera was visible in the mirrors at the dance studio where they filmed it. I voted this one the funniest, but it was close.
- Citizen Came – Total A for effort here. Documentary of a guy who attempts to masturbate 10 times in one 24 hour period.
This is what happens when your girlfriend is in rehab for 28 days.
- Full Swap – Fuzzy security cam action of a swinger apartment. Boring actually.
- Boys Beware – After the success of Getting a Leg Up In Porn a few years ago, a couple of people this year did their own 50s style documentary porno. This one, about the dangers of homosexuals didn’t inspire me. To cliché
- Read My Lips – You’d think porn and books would be an automatic winner for me, but this wasn’t the most inspired.
- I’m Hard – Animation of a rapping dick. Dumb.
- The Good Book – Very bad porn plot about a nun who reads the book of Mormon and gets punished by her priest. They were enthusiastic though.
- How to Please Your Man – Larry King hosts a blow job expert on Larry King Live. With clips from Larry King artfully spliced in. Another A for effort.
- Beyond Gay – Lynn Shelton’s entry, not starring Lynn Shelton. She’s the director who made Humpday, a documentary about two straight guys who made a gay porn for a previous Hump. Dan Savage challenged her to make an actual entry for Hump, and she did. The best dialog of all the entrants, but the decidedly unsexy topic of a lesbian and a fag trying and failing to get each other off but failing because they are not into each other.
- Incubus – Every year there’s one of these types of entries, something that looks really good and really like someone’s film school project that they decided to enter into Hump. Maybe I just have a bias against entries that don’t look amateur enough for my view of an amateur porn festival.
- Dumpster Humpster – Sex in a dumpster. Kind of a magical dumpster like the Narnia wardrobe, that’s bigger inside than outside. They overplayed loaves of bread in a faux-sexy way, and the bread dough was bad. A for creativity though!
- Sex Moves 102 – I think the only entry this year that had both gay and straight sex. Just some made up sex moves with accompanying demonstrations. Really liked this one and up there for both funny and sexy categories.
- Violet Uprising – Really really creepy puppet sex. Really well done, but since the categories were funny and sexy, and not creepy, I couldn’t in good conscious vote it for either.
- Maximum Overload – Cliche plot. Surprising actually, since the porn in Hump is usually kinda creative in ways that real porn isn’t. Guy goes into virtual reality to have sex with V.R. girl. Roommate bumps the power cord, and the girl comes out of V.R. and the guy is stuck inside it. Cute participants. Pretty well put together.
- Trolley Tryst – Dan Savage’s short version:
Sluts ride the SLUT. It’s exactly what you’d think it is. Someone had the guts to have sex on the SLUT, with several helpful people to film (at least one on the streetcar and one in a vehicle alongside). Those streetcars aren’t that big. You can’t go to the back of the train to do this and hide, though the streetcar did appear empty except for the driver. Gutsiest entry this year. Top 3 for sexiest.
- Guess Who’s Cumming to Dinner – Eh. Delivery boy. I need say no more.
- The Password – Tell me the password or I will torture you with S&M. With lines even more wooden than actual porn. I had to look away when the needles made an appearance.
- The Modern Housewife – The second 50s style documentary this year. Susie goes next door to borrow some Saran Wrap while her husband is away. Lots of creative uses of Dow Chemical products. Totally hot lesbians. Really pretty funny.
- I Went To a Party and Had a Dream – Guy falls asleep on the couch at a party while multiple other couples have sex on the other end of the couch. Kinda boring except the last scene, which was an outtake of the girl on the other end of the couch projectile cumming on the pretend asleep guy (and thus had his eyes closed so he didn’t see it coming).
- Our Ruinous Love – Clips of various things I would never ever try. Kitchen implements. Traffic cones. Anal hook. Saran wrap. Here’s the thing, either you got to turn me on, or you really need to show how turned on you are. This did neither.
- Fuck – The absolute worst entry this year. Only entry that I thought nothing positive of. At least all the others had something going for them, funny, creative, gutsy, sexy, etc. These guys took a creative idea and made it bad. Evil nemesis poisons two cops johnsons so that if they lose their erections they die. No one gets naked. No style to the dialogue. Hated this so much.
- Cyclust – Sorta stop motion photography style. Two cyclists meet riding and then go have sex. I love the pictures where the two were just smiling at each other, totally into each other. Voted this one for Sexiest just for that. I love seeing two people into each other.
- ET2: Dark Territory – Animation. ET returns. Elliot’s all grown up. Shocking. And diabolical.