King Rat (gkr) wrote,
King Rat

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Was I wrong?

I really play the courtship game poorly.

Here's the story. I have been enamored of Deborah for a bit. In the last two weeks or so, she and I have spent some time together and all signs to me were that she was interested. We went shopping. We spent a Sunday talking and wandering around Seattle. I made her dinner on Friday and we had a really good time.

But one thing I haven't done is make a "move" on her. It's the one thing in life that I would change about myself if I could. My fear of making a "move." She knows I am interested. She sends signals that she is interested. Or at least I think she does. But I can't make a "move."

Today is her birthday. She was out tonight at the Mercury, and she got a lot of attention. Brian, William, Lance, and someone else all were lavishing attention on her. And in a way that makes me think something is going on as I write between her and William.

When I left, I said good night to her and she asked me to call her. Her tone of voice sounded fateful. So I will call later today after I get up and she has had a chance to have her birthday shindig with her parents.

I am expecting that conversation to be a disappointment to me. Maybe the unexpected will happen and this will be a good conversation. My experience in the past says not.

The following is just a meandering angsty pot of questions and things running through my head. Most of it assumes that my expectations are correct. If I expected a "good" outcome from the coming phone call, this would be a giddy entry. Obviously, it is not.

The first thing running through my mind is "Was I reading everything wrong?" Is my radar fundamentally broken? This happened to me in May as well with Jessica.

Did I just not move quickly enough? Could this all have been avoided if I had been more direct?

I am not angry. I am somewhat hurt, but not in a bitter or blaming way. I am very disappointed. This will all pass, and even if the worst is true, I will recover from the immediate emotional twisting in a few days. I got my hopes up. I tell myself that I won't go after someone who I still have a crush on, and then I fail to follow my own guideline.

I wonder why someone does something like this. She knows I am very interested. If not interested, why not put a stop to it earlier, instead of by flaunting a dalliance with someone else in front of me. I wouldn't be going through all this angsty stuff right now if that had been what happened. I think she doesn't realize what those actions do.

The other thing I wonder is why can't I find someone? What quality about me seems to invite this kind of behavior? Am I still just too "nice" in that pathetic way? I know I used to be like that and I thought I had changed. I know I lack for some confidence, but I am not a completely cowed person.

The phone call should resolve a lot of this, whichever way it goes. I actually still hold hope that my expectations are wrong. Until then I shall lay here, angsty and lonely. Much of that emotion will dissipate with a good night's rest, so I shall not be moping around tomorrow before the phone call. But for now, I shall mope. Luckily, sleep will come soon.


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