King Rat (gkr) wrote,
King Rat

Matt on my mind

One last entry before I crawl off to watch DVDs. For the first year plus after Matt's death, and on the two year anniversary, I broke down and cried a lot. Usually pretty randomly. That's not happening much anymore. But I tear up almost every time I think of him, and some pretty random things will make me think of him. The conundrum for me is that I don't want to stuff the emotion, or play the stoic. I'm accused a lot (though not really with regard to my feelings about Matt) of being too reserved and not open with my feelings. In a sense, people are right, though I do show my feelings. You just gotta know me well enough to recognize them. But how I feel about a lot of things is a pretty subtle read. And I don't want that to be the case with respect to my feelings about Matt.

On the other hand, I've watched some folks milk their personal tragedies for sympathy, money, and sex. Dragon's just one person who play's on people's emotions, even supposing Mylea did die at the World Trade Center. So I'm constantly asking myself whether I should hide it or show it. Dinner with a girl I like, and the conversation turns to Christmas ornaments. My grandparents get each grandkid one every year. And Matt was bringing ornaments to the family Christmas morning when he flipped his truck. And I think about this and I start to tear up. I don't know what to do: stifle it because I don't want to play up the sympathy, or just let it out because I need to change my natural tendency to be stoic.

I pretty much went with stoic, though I couldn't completely hide it.

Tags: matt, personal

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