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King Rat
Private Life
Am I dull?

Don't answer that. Think of this as my musings. Sometimes I wish this wasn't in front of an audience. I know, I could write something privately. It violates my reasons to filter though. Suffice to say, this is not a plea for compliments.

I harbor huge self-esteem issues. I'm relatively independent now. Emotionally that is. I don't really depend on others to validate me. I realized years ago that my issues are internal, not external. No one can fix me except for me. I've come to realize I'm pretty smart. Decent looking. Good at my job. But I have a hard time buying that many really like me because I figure everyone will figure out I'm really not all that interesting. That I fall into Sturgeon's Law, which states that 80% of everything is crap. I look at my own life and think, boring. Work. Sleep. Socialize. For a long time it was just work & sleep. I sent a note to a friend the other day because I was just so impressed with all the crap she does. I don't do anything.

I need to start doing sommething more. I have a few things in mind. Not getting into discussing them. I just need to get off my ass. See, if I find myself doing things I find interesting, I don't reall give a shit if anyone else finds me interesting.

9 comments or Leave a comment
domichan From: domichan Date: January 24th, 2005 03:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
Damnit Phil, you took the post I was composing last night in my head. Well, a good portion of it, anyway. ;P
squashcup From: squashcup Date: January 24th, 2005 04:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
I know how you feel, and this is also not a plea for any compliments.
webcowgirl From: webcowgirl Date: January 24th, 2005 05:00 pm (UTC) (Link)

Find your joy

Christ, boy, have you thought of hanging out with me? I do enough interesting things for ten people.

And you know, the things I do that I occasionally think people might find stunningly geeky (such as the piano bar singing, or kayaking) fail to cause me shame as I enjoy them so tremendously that I can't help but think some of my joy rubs off on other people.
evillinn From: evillinn Date: January 24th, 2005 06:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think the majority of us (80%?) feel this way, actually.
I know I do. I fear that people like me only because I tend to get things done, but that I am, innately, of no real use or interest to anyone. I'm never the fun, shiney, playful person. I'm the one that people can take their troubles to, or the one that gets the serious stuff taken care of, or the one that is more mature and serious.

I have been assured that isn't the case, but its hard to believe things people tell you some times.

I know you aren't looking for compliments, but I though you might want to know what I find interesting about you, simply because sometimes its hard to know someone else's perspective. I find your fascenation with books incredibly interesting. I also find your particular brand of "introspective" very interesting. I also love your silly sense of humor, and your willingness to love, despite being a bit twitchy in other related ways.
domichan From: domichan Date: January 24th, 2005 07:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yep yep, didn't know I wasn't the only one who felt this way. I feel like I'm the "sympathetic ear" and nothing more. Damned insecurities. ;)
liberpolly From: liberpolly Date: January 24th, 2005 06:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
you cannot really 'find' interesting things to do; the best you can do is to stop holding yourself from doing interesting things you want to.
gkr From: gkr Date: January 24th, 2005 06:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Poor choice of words on my part. I do need to find motivation to get off my ass though.
liberpolly From: liberpolly Date: January 24th, 2005 06:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
oh, i see. that's much better indeed.
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