King Rat (gkr) wrote,
King Rat

I need something happy

Now reading The Lovely Bones. It's about a girl murdered as she watches her family and her killer from heaven. Here's the thing, the scenes of the family get to me. They threw me back 2½ years to Christmas when Matt died. And I started crying again…

I don't have anything really happy in my life to remember. I have only the one real tragedy. When reminded, I don't have a happy place to go to, to remember. I have lots of fun times and great experiences, but no moment when I am truly happy. Just content. Overall, I am happy. But no happy moment. Does that make sense at all?

I want one. I want to graduate. Or get married. Or win the lottery. Or father a child. Something to counter my tragic moment. Something that can get triggered at odd moments, like memories of Christmas day 2001. Something so, in addition to moments when I am walking down the street and burst into tears, I am also given moments when I recall something else, and can smile at the memory. Something that sucks me away for 5 minutes before releasing me.

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