King Rat (gkr) wrote,
King Rat

Matthew Thomas BenderJune 13th 1976 — December 25th 2001

Been meaning to take a ride with Melissa for a while now. She got herself a car a few weeks ago and promised me a ride. Two weeks ago we drove out to Snohomish and back, but her car was running really rough. She felt like it wasn't deserving of the drive she agreed to take me on. So the plan was to try again after the car had been to the shop and had everything adjusted. FYI, it turns out there was water in parts of the engine where there shouldn't have been water.

So she called me today cause she had a few hours free. We drove to Snoqualmie on I-5 and back to Seattle through Fall City and Redmond. There's some good snow and ice out there, but even without snow tires we made it through without any question of incident. The road from Snoqualmie to Fall City was beautiful at 6 p.m. Icy. Tree branches overhanging the road with snow on them. Thin layer of fresh snow over the ice on the road, making everything seem like a Narnia scene.

For those who don't know Melissa, her daughter Maya died in 2002. Different situations, but both of us have been through a lot of grief recently. We talked some about grief and what's going on with each of us. She offered to take me to Evergreen-Washelli. I said no at first, but as we drove along I became clear that I really needed to do this and soon.

I've had a lot of offers for people to go with me and make sure I came out okay, and I am thankful to all of you. Had plans to go a couple of times but they fell through. Others, I had a hard time wanting to accept from simply because I didn't want to break down and bawl in front of yet another person who hadn't already seen me do so. I know people will understand if I do cry. But for me the grief has been something I really want to keep private, with the exception of what I write here.

I was reluctant, but since I needed to do this I am glad Melissa was willing to go. Specially in the cold weather. The gates were closed, so we had to park and walk up the hill. Didn't spend a lot of time there, as it was butt ass cold. As soons as we found it in the dark though, I burst out bawling. Wasn't sure if I would or not. So far I've been rather stoic, and not through trying to be. I just wasn't overcome. But it immediately came out. Melissa however, fumble fingered the tissue because of how freaking cold it was. Ach! What can you do though?

Didn't stay up there long. Maybe 5 minutes. Maybe less even. But I went. I miss Matt. That part I knew. But it also reminded me of something I've forgotten lately. I need to focus on the important stuff. His death 2 years ago forced me out of my shell. I don't know everything that's going to come out of this short visit, but there's a couple of changes I'm going to make soon. Been allowing myself to get drawn into the small stuff and need to refocus.


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