King Rat (gkr) wrote,
King Rat

Five more days

Five more days to the 2nd anniversary of Matt's death. Nope, the 25th of December is not really Christmas in my book anymore. It's the day Matt died. A festival of good cheer is not something I'm looking forward to.

Still no emotional breakdowns this year. I feel sad. I think about him, and the accident, a lot. But I'm not crying. I actually kind of want to have a day of just letting it out, at least. Cause what's going on inside me over this isn't really being release or anything. I dunno. It's hard to explain. I feel a lot sadder and I need the catharthis or something.

I need to make my pilgrimage to Evergreen-Washelli too. Not sure I can do it alone, but I'm not sure I can do it with anyone else either. And I need to bring something with me for Matt, but I don't know what yet. Just a small, Matt-like totem. Last year it was some baseball cards I had once purchased for him for Christmas, but had never given to him. Flowers really won't do it.

Pretty messed up about this, actually. Still also wondering what I'm going to do about family Christmas. In my mom's emotional world, this is the time we get together to pull together. Me, it just seems to make me worse. I want to isolate and tell everyone to fuck off. Especially family, since they remind me of Matt.


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