King Rat (gkr) wrote,
King Rat
gkr

One Week of Banning

So I've been banned for a week now. At least once a day (and usually more), I still find myself attempting to log in to the crack bored. In the back of my mind is the feeling that I'm missing something. The rational part of me knows I am not. But the emotional, needy, wanting-to-be-loved, wanting-attention part worries that the medium that connected me with most of my current friends a couple of years ago is necessary to the maintenance of those friendships. And I don't want to lose the friendships at all.

More than at any other time in the past, I rely on electronic means to keep in touch and maintain my friendships. Oddly enough, real life contact is quite a bit more than I've ever had too. I am not an outgoing person. I am shy. And I (at times) have low self-esteem. So I don't call people all that much. I feel like I would be an imposition. I use this, email, and instant messaging as a way to initiate contact. By no means is it all electronic. It mostly is not. But that initial contact is the hardest for me. It gets me beyond the Hey, what are you doing this weekend? thing that I have such a hard time saying out of the blue. It usually progresses to real world meeting, so I am not just some horny socially inept geek holed away in my darkened bedroom talking to internet girlfriends I'll never meet and MUD buddies who vie with me for king of the corner of some LPMud. Definitely useful.

Part of this renaissance was the crack bored. But I think it's run it's course for usefulness to me. I waste time there. I get into needless political arguments that teach me nothing. I keep trolling for intelligent things to pique my interest instead of reading a good book or riding my bicycle. And worse things. Will I go back? Probably. I will make no grand dramatic announcements of how I'm through with the place. Seen enough of those on many different places to know it's the psychology of someone who can't yet tear themselves away. It can't be done. Pulling yourself away from something that irritates you is nigh difficult. People leave such forums only when they really do get a ton of other things to do that interest them more. General disgust with the place can contribute, but if you are still in the highly irritated phase, you'll come back. We're too curious a species to walk away completely from something that holds emotional interest.

My worry is that the change in me that few of you have seen because you didn't know me 10 years ago will wither and fade without the crack bored. Like I wrote above, the electronic medium has this time sparked something I like. I am hoping I have enough of a community now that the crack bored is no longer necessary.

So don't unban me yet. I get through another week without it, and I can go a month. Cause I'll be in New Zealand a week from tomorrow (or at least over the middle of the Pacific by then).

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