Last summer was really rough for me. While taking care of my grandparents was stressful, a lot of the time I could power through the part where it brought me down. I had stuff to do and people’s lives depended on it. But after they died, I went into depression for months. I couldn’t deal with other people hardly at all. For example, I stopped checking if people wanted to take my extra ticket to the Sounders games. I didn’t want to negotiate over whether they could go, where to meet before, etc. So I just went alone.
That passed somewhat in the fall, but I’ve been been up and down since then. Over the years, my mood swings were smoother because I had close friends who I was able to call on. When I was in Idaho, it was the people I sobered up with. Here it has been Jason. Without those daily influences, I hole up a lot. It’s not a deep depression. I’m able to function. But a lot of stuff doesn’t get done, and I tend to do only the things that need doing now.
I’ve actually had a few days in a row now where I’ve felt good. I have a side job that I can focus on, for one. I’ve gotten myself out walking. I cooked today. (I know, I wrote I was going to cook 3 times a week. I’ve not stuck to that.) I’m about to suit up and go out for the evening. The last month I’ve generally felt better.
I don’t know if the momentum is something that builds on itself, if doing something help me do something else. Or perhaps it’s just that my moods have a natural frequency and not a virtuous cycle. I really hope it’s the former.
crossposted from King Rat.