December 31st, 2009


I Get So Emotional Baby

I’ve been known to cry in front of people before. Lots in fact. Any kind of public grief will have a decent chance of setting me off.

Last night, for the first time, I experienced nearly breaking down just because I was so overwhelmed. I’m good at soldiering through. I never once felt like I was going to lose it during mom’s illness. Tired, stressed, and very definitely broken. But soldiered through.

The last week and a half of Gramps being in the hospital has just been rough. Gram’s dementia is very serious, though she’s mostly lucid. But she can’t be left on her own, even though she thinks she’s capable of taking care of things.

The last two weeks I’ve been under a deadline for work. I was handed a broken project in a language I didn’t understand with no requirements and working with a service that has incorrect documentation. I had another project that possibly had to be done before the first of the year.

So I was driving Gram to and from the hospital. I talked with Gramps a lot. I worked from the visitor lounge on the cardiac ward. I’d work until 3 am as well.

I really wanted to go to Heather’s birthday party last night. But shepherding Gram through her medication took nearly an hour. I left their place around 10:15. Decided I was going up to the party anyway even though I knew the place closed at 10:30. On the way, I started losing it.

No vacation. Missing stuff I want to do. Work pressure. Laundry and cleaning undone. A best friend who stopped talking to me 9 months ago. Handling dad. Handling grandparents. Another night of working until 3 am.

It finally got to me.

I’m better now. Both projects aren’t needing me for a while. Gramps is home and my grandparents will be moving to assisted living hopefully within the week. My girlfriend Sharon, despite me being a Christmas grump, bought me an awesome Christmas present (pajamas that won’t get me arrested) and painted a card for me. Spent the day mostly on Gram and Gramps’ couch.

Last few years I’ve written a year in review kind of thing. I think this post about covers it.

Cross-posted from King Rat