March 1st, 2006


Gramps is in the hospital

He went to see the doctor today and while there had a heart attack. I suppose short of being already in a hospital, that's the best place to have one. However, my mother reports he doesn't look good. Sje called early this afternoon to tell me. I want to visit but they are restricting visitors to just a few so as not to agitate him (also sedatives for agitation reduction as well). I should have the opportunity tomorrow though.

I almost couldn't keep from breaking down on hearing the news. It felt so much like when my other grandfather died. His last hospitalization was for something much more serious (not that this isn't) but receiving the phone call certainly felt like when my mom called to tell me Grandpa Weiss was in the hospital. The overwhelming premonition that tomorrow would be my last chance to see him alive came over me. It's passed now, but I still can't help but wonder if it will be long. I can't see him living independently for long. He's going to start needing care on call 24 hours a day soon. He won't like it. He'll take it though. Hhe'll stay independent as long as he can, but no longer than is good for him.

So tonight will be able trying to distract myself to keep myself from crying all the time.

See, the thing is, he's my idol. More than anyone else in the world, I want to be like him. At some point he will die, and I'll be living up to a memory instead of a man. And that is going to suck for me. And it's going to suck for a lot of other people too. I don't know a single person who is more loved than he is.

Hopefully, this won't be the last, and the next time he is back in the hospital like the last couple of times you'll all get to read another version of this entry.
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