August 24th, 2004


I need something happy

Now reading The Lovely Bones. It's about a girl murdered as she watches her family and her killer from heaven. Here's the thing, the scenes of the family get to me. They threw me back 2½ years to Christmas when Matt died. And I started crying again…

I don't have anything really happy in my life to remember. I have only the one real tragedy. When reminded, I don't have a happy place to go to, to remember. I have lots of fun times and great experiences, but no moment when I am truly happy. Just content. Overall, I am happy. But no happy moment. Does that make sense at all?

I want one. I want to graduate. Or get married. Or win the lottery. Or father a child. Something to counter my tragic moment. Something that can get triggered at odd moments, like memories of Christmas day 2001. Something so, in addition to moments when I am walking down the street and burst into tears, I am also given moments when I recall something else, and can smile at the memory. Something that sucks me away for 5 minutes before releasing me.

Canyon Falls


The air smells sulfuric. A dreary day washed in outside my hotel room. Washed on first on a fog bank and then on Pacific swells. I've watched the rain fall since 10 a.m. Tofino needs more rain. More than they got the first day I was here when the rain prevented me from doing much. We're on backup water; the hotel staff warned me that it was safe although it might appear discolored. The backup water system pulls from a different stream and the cedars lining the stream color the water with tannins. The swells ride in from the mist and crash into Secret Cove with a muffled woof. A crack in the rocks channels the water to a narrow point. The waves are directed in and upward when they reach the end, throwing spray and flotsam high in the air onto the rocks. The water drains away, but the seaweed does not. I wonder if it will completely rot away on top of the rocks before the next tide high enough to immerse the rocks carries it away.