March 17th, 2004


Anxiety and shyness

I'm pretty damn shy. It's somewhat a low self-esteem issue, but also an anxiety thing. Meeting people, talking to people, asking women out, and my job are all things that used to cause me severe anxiety. I would seize up and even get vertigo if I had to talk to someone I didn't know. Freshman year of high school, I was going to turn out for cross-country, as I had run cross-country in junior high and did very well. I needed to get a physical, and was directed to a sports medicine clinic downtown to obtain one. I couldn't find it. And the thought of asking around, or calling home to get directions, or heaven forbid call my school, just filled me with dread. So I wandered around a bit downtown and went home. And never turned out for sports again.

As I've chronicled here, the death of my brother Matt 2 years ago triggered something in me that has gotten me to face up to a lot of this stuff. Not all of it. But a lot. I can talk to people I don't know more easily. I can ask women out on dates. Job performance doesn't tie my stomach in knots. I can dance in front of folks at a club and not care how stupid I look.

I've a couple of things still that eat my lunch. Not gonna detail them now. But I need to deal with the anxiety.

I've thought about going on anti-anxiety meds before. Counselors pushed them on me so hard I was scared. The question that none answered satisfactorily to me is what happens to my anxiety without the meds. Do I have to be on meds all the time? If it was just something to help ease the transition perhaps I'd be more amenable. My experience is that I haven't needed meds to get past much of my anxiety. So I can do so with the remaining ones. I would look at myself as a failure if I couldn't eventually do it without medication.

But it's painful and I hate it. I want it dealt with now. I want to be free of it now.

  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious

Guinevere losing weight

My cat is responding to the strict diet I put her on in January. She's down to about 11½ pounds from 13 pounds. Target weight is 10 pounds. She's already more active, though that might just be her being angry with me for not feeding her as much. But things like the 4½ foot leap from my desk to my bed that she previously would take a couple minutes to work herself into, she now jumps without giving much thought at all. Of course, I now wake up to her insistence every morning that she be fed now. If she isn't fed by 7 she starts knocking things off my desk, shelf and dresser. She's not quite as fat, happy and contented as she used to be. Once she gets down to around 10 pounds, I'll up her portions a bit so she maintains weight instead of losing it, and perhaps at that point she'll stop whining as much about food.

  • Current Mood
    tired tired

Phil has lost weight

In similar news, I am down to 180 pounds. In August I was tipping the scale at 199 and was experiencing plantar fasciitis mostly due to the weight. I have very little pain from that ailment anymore. Just a lingering ache on occasion. (However, I did twist the ankle in that same foot in January and that hurts still if my foot is in the wrong position.) But basically, I am 2/3 of the way to my goal of 170 pounds by my birthday. Slightly behind schedule, but considering that I totally forgot about that resolution, I don't think I am doing too badly. Now, if I actually were to make use of my 24 Hour Fitness membership I could easily drop to that weight by July.

  • Current Mood
    curious curious

Movies Sunday!

6 p.m., Sunday March 21st. Movies at my place. I've got a couple of Hitchcock (Notorious and Rebecca) as well as my shabby collection. Come over. Relax. Bring movies. I will make cookies.