December 20th, 2003

MacCauley

Five more days

Five more days to the 2nd anniversary of Matt's death. Nope, the 25th of December is not really Christmas in my book anymore. It's the day Matt died. A festival of good cheer is not something I'm looking forward to.

Still no emotional breakdowns this year. I feel sad. I think about him, and the accident, a lot. But I'm not crying. I actually kind of want to have a day of just letting it out, at least. Cause what's going on inside me over this isn't really being release or anything. I dunno. It's hard to explain. I feel a lot sadder and I need the catharthis or something.

I need to make my pilgrimage to Evergreen-Washelli too. Not sure I can do it alone, but I'm not sure I can do it with anyone else either. And I need to bring something with me for Matt, but I don't know what yet. Just a small, Matt-like totem. Last year it was some baseball cards I had once purchased for him for Christmas, but had never given to him. Flowers really won't do it.

Pretty messed up about this, actually. Still also wondering what I'm going to do about family Christmas. In my mom's emotional world, this is the time we get together to pull together. Me, it just seems to make me worse. I want to isolate and tell everyone to fuck off. Especially family, since they remind me of Matt.

Roger Lodge

New Year's Eve plans

My New Year's plans aren't completely settled, but I am definitely looking forward to it. rika_rayven will be coming to visit. A blast from my past. For those who don't know, I lived in Boise, Idaho from June 1998 until February 1999 while I was working at the old Spur Products (an enterprise now defunct). One of the groups I was involved with was Utopia, and she was also involved there. Although I tried to keep in contact with a number of people, the only two who've stuck have been her and randydid. Except for the period where she was married, we've kept in touch.

I've been trying to get her to come up here for a visit for a while. Randy's made it up quite a few times, but she's had more limited means and opportunity. After years of guilting her, she's finally going to make it here.

Boise is not the best place to live in. If you are starting a family, and are of a relatively conservative bent, the place is ideal. But for young adults who don't fit that mold, it can be grating. I hated it because of the lack of diversity. Boise is monoculture. Everything is safe. There's no Broadway or Castro. Theater is not particularly varied in it's selection. Shopping is pretty much what you can find in mall stores. Musically, you better like classic rock, oldies, or country, because you'll hear a lot of that. Not much in the way of fine restaurants. And no real nightlife.

She's needed to take a real break from the place for a while. Get to somewhere where it's okay to be different. Personally, I think moving here wouldn't be bad, but the economy here sucks (though not as bad as there) and it's expensive to live in Seattle. But I don't push Seattle, because I've watched a lot of people get pushed to move for all the wrong reasons.

But a short visit is another story. Let loose for a few days and not have to worry about work, go out and have fun, see something new. Some people don't get enough chances for that.

Current plans are to go dancing at Vogue and Mercury for New Year's Eve itself. Same old, same old to the sea-goth crowd. But something you can't do in Boise. She'll be bringing some stuff to wear, but if any of my female friends would be willing to volunteer to help out in finding appropriate new years attire, I'd love you forever.

I'm looking forward to this. I don't often get to show off my hometown.

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