September 15th, 2003

MacCauley

Worthless

Well, I am going to be worthless the rest of the day. I really ought to go home. Can't, but ought to.

Not gonna write about it. Not yet. Cause I'm not even sure what I think yet. Maybe in a few days I will.

  • Current Mood
    defeated
MacCauley

Broke up and single

So I talked with Deborah today at lunch, telling her I was going to start dating again. Basically, I just didn't see an end in sight to our arrangement. At some point, I had to bite the bullet and end it. I feel like I am giving up and I don't want to. But also that it's for the best, as for the last year I've been falling in love with her. And she hasn't been able to return the favor. The imbalance is tearing at me.

This hurt. Both of us cried. She feels like I am going to go away. Which might happen eventually. No guarantees.

We'll talk again, probably tonight. I know some will think I am going to back away from this. It's not going to happen. We need to be friends, or lovers, but I shouldn't be in the in-between state any longer. It's been 6 months since I made this promise, and a year since I started pursuing her to the exclusion of all others. Long enough for her to make a decision. Since she's not ready to make the decision now (perfectly legitimate), I have to make it.

I was going to tell her when I talked to her last night on the phone, but it didn't feel like the right manner. I promised to tell her face to face, and deal with whatever hurt this decision would cause. I've done that now. Hurts like the dickens though. I've been fighting tears since lunch. Have to maintain a professional attitude here at work, but it's hard. Had to stop in the washroom to freshen up before assuming my duties.

More later…