January 26th, 2003


Three wishes

If I were granted three wishes, I'd probably take the genie up on it, but I'm pretty sure I would regret my action.

Here's a little bit of my philosophy. Pay attention though, it's probably the core of my philosophy. It's why I continue to abstain from alcohol even during those moments when I don't believe I am a drunk. It's why I am content with my sporadic love life. It's why I am not resentful at the fact that the C.E.O. of my employer is only a year older than I am and worth 250 times what I am.

Here it is: Some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't really believe that. I don't disbelieve it either. But my gut tells me that most things happen just because. There's no reason. That's not the core part though. The core is that I must play the hand I have, and make the cards meaningful to me. I don't question too deeply the whys and wherefores. Oh, I do some. It's good to be introspective. But beyond a certain point it becomes useless.

I believe that I have to make something of my life. I have to give it meaning. Freebies, the easy way out, do not add much meaning, because meaning is something I have to impart through my actions. Being handed something means no action on my part, and hence no meaning. So I don't look to be given anything. I'm human, I won't turn down opportunity or getting something for nothing. But my experience is that it means very little to me and I squander the benefits. I hope that when I do receive something free, that I use it as the basis for creating meaning. (E.g., investing the money from my stock option plan rather than blowing it on candy.)

I resisted going on meds when my last counselor pushed them on me. In addition to the side effects, I don't want to be in the position where my normal moods are dependent on my health plan (which could go away). If I were truly depressed or incurably shy, I would take them. But I've found that generally, with a little bit of work, I go through periods of great mental and social leaps.

If I were given my three wishes, I would take them. But I think I would squander them. So I don't wish for wishes.