October 17th, 2002


Overwhelming Dread

I just got out of the shower. It's 8:30 and I need to get to work quickly. I left some things undone at work yesterday because I kept getting sidetracked by people and meetings.

But that's not all. I stayed out too late last night. I decided I needed to play a few games of pool and be a little social for a bit, so I went to the Mercury. Everything was going fine and swimmingly, until Jessica and Shirley showed. They ended up having too much to drink, and I allowed myself to get sucked into babysitting Jessica. She was too drunk to drive, so I got her to the Hurricane and got some food in her and waited until she had sobered up some before I went home. I don't know why I did this. Actually, I do. I was unwilling to let someone I know kill themselves when I could do something about it. But I think I need to find some kind of uncaring part of me to bring to the surface because I can't babysit everyone.

The result of this is that I got about 3½ hours of sleep last night. Stir that up with lots of unfinished tasks at work, unfinished personal tasks, a desire to spend time with friends of mine, a recruiting trip to Pullman from Sunday to Tuesday morning, wanting to wander around BookFest, working the ACLU booth at BookFest, planning for my New Orleans vacation, and more. The mixture is overwhelming me.

I have a huge desire to curl up in a small ball right now. My experience is that will make the dread worse. Usually there are only 2 things that help. Making a plan for the day and then doing the next indicated thing on it. I have one, although it is by no means complete. After I finish with this, the next indicated thing on it will be to finished getting dressed, and go to work.

The second thing is contact with "comfort people." I would say "loved ones," but that felt like a loaded term. Really though, these friends of mine are very loved. So there are probably 3 or 4 people reading this who should expect some email or a phone call from me at some point today. You are the people whose contact calms me, lets me know all is all right with the world. Lets me know that even if all this stuff bearing down on me will not alter my fundamental state even if it all goes to shit.

As an aside, one of the items on my plan for the day is to hide my bookmarks to Live Journal and the crack board. They will distract me from getting things done that need to get done. I will continue to read my personal email. I need that. Though comments to these entries get mailed to me, so I guess I won't be completely out of contact with this.

5 minutes of meditation, dressed, and then to work.


Quote of the Day: Pause

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.
Bill W., Alcoholics Anonymous

I have this picture next to my bed which says EXHALE. I refer to it often.
Deborah, in email this morning

Lists baby, its all about lists. Did you get a list of things you need to get done written? Its so much easier to tackle when you break it down. You can see that as much as you may have to do, it is completely under your control.
Deirdre, in email this morning


Things I have to take care of (not all have to be done today)

  • Make hair appointment
  • Actually make contact with contractor
  • Paintball call
  • Reschedule appointment
  • Break down projects in schedule
  • digital camera
  • Halloween costume
  • Boots
  • Utilikilt
  • Drycleaning

Schedule for the next .... time. Probably missing stuff at the moment. Some coordinating for each.

  • Tonight: Get hair cut
  • Saturday: Bookfest as tourist
  • Saturday: Bookfest as ACLU volunteer 4 to 6
  • Sunday: Bookfest as tourist
  • Sunday: fly to pullman
  • Monday: recruit at WSU
  • Tuesday: fly back
  • Tuesday: doctor's appointment at 12:15
  • Sunday (27th): drive to Boise
  • Monday (28th): fly back
  • Tuesday (29th) to Mon (Nov 4th): New Orleans
  • Saturday (Nov 9th): Paintball
  • Saturday (Nov 9th): RTW
  • Friday (Nov 15th) and Saturday (Nov 16th): Do nothing ?

Oh yeah, and must have time to spend with the CoolKids® this weekend as well.