October 12th, 2002



I believe I was attending a wedding. I saw the top of alexiarnps and I could hear the occasional word or two from the Monsignor. Since it was supposed to be a wedding, I am assuming that indeed, that is what happened. It was quite the gothy spectacle. Ceremony at dusk. Candles forming the aisle in the grass at Volunteer Park. Harpist playing ethereal music. Bridesmaids all in black with black parasols. The lights and camera lessened the goth effect, but the Discovery Channel probably wouldn't have had any usable footage without them. Don't think I made it into any shots, but that's perfectly fine with me.

The reception afterward was probably the best reception I've been to yet. evillinn made wonderful hor d'oeuvres. I ate 6 of the deviled eggs, 5 tarts, one bat-shaped sandwich, 5 stuffed mushrooms (although I didn't really like the ones with the darker filling). DJing was excellent, done by one of the door-guys from the Vogue. Stayed long enough to listen to The Fading Collection, a gothy band with a nice bass-induced groove to it's music. I bought their EP. They seemed much more polished than they really should have, given that they don't even have a full album out yet.

Took off at midnight, when I realized I was pretty tired and that Deborah probably wasn't going to make it. She had to work a horse show in Tacoma and had been pretty iffy on actually making it.

Also should mention I finally met betanoir, spaceling, and darkphoenixrisn.



Most women who have complimented me on my looks in the past were not what I would call "lookers." Most had some severe self-esteem problems of their own. I always felt like they had lowered their threshold for beauty to the point where I would be included in that class. Yep, that's a reflection of my own self-esteem. Not so great in the past. It didn't help that I don't exactly photograph well. I pose like a moron, with my face always ending up contorted, even when I try not to do that. So when I see photos which include me, they aren't overly flattering.

But I'm beginning to doubt all my own doubts. I had come to an uneasy alliance with them a few years ago. I would grant that I am not an ugly person. But good looking? Only to someone who had a quirky sense of physical attraction. Even more now I am starting to actually believe inside that I am good looking.

Some of it has to do with improvements in my self-esteem in other areas. I am more confident at work. I am more confident socially. I feel like I have something interesting to say. I feel like I have something to offer to a conversation. If my view of myself change for the better in some areas, it's bound to improve in others.

Some of it is just attention from attractive women. They consider me in their league. SOme of it is outright compliments when I don't expect them. Which is kind of what prompted me to write this. I got yet another compliment. Let me repeat that. Another compliment. THat just trips me out because I don't really think of myself that way. Or I didn't.