July 3rd, 2002



Pardon me a moment, are you wearing flip-flops? Why do you wear them?

There are a lot of different kinds of footwear in the world, and flip-flops have to be the worst of them. I love summer. I love the skimpy clothes women wear in the summer. I am a guy after all. But I loathe that the clement weather brings out a cascade of flip-flop wearing tarts.

I like lots of kinds of footwear on women. I love heels. I adore sandals. Please do not wear long black leather stompy boots around me, as I will probably molest them. These all look good on women. But you do not want to wear flip-flops around me for exactly the opposite reason. There is no way flip-flops look good on a girl. None whatsoever. You cannot look classy. You cannot even look casual. You merely look lazy. They will take your beautiful feet and scrunch the toes up, and cause to appear flat-footed.

But wait, I have more to my rant. Do you detest the sound of fingernails on chalkboard? Of course you do. You may not have the visceral reaction to the noise that many do. Now, think of feet dragging on carpet. Yes, that's is what you do what you wear flip-flops. The sound of someone who can't or won't pick up their feet as they drag them across the surface of the earth causes my spine to twist in convulsions and my ears to fold in upon themselves. Oh, I detest this sound from anyone who cannot lift their legs as they walk, but I have yet to run into a single person who walks properly while wearing flip-flops. You are guaranteed to grate on my inner ear before I even see you wearing these infernal foot devices.