I made a comment in my last entry about going out like when I was 21. In reality, I am not going out like I did when I was 21. When I turned 21, I was just over 9 months sober. Not in any kind of good head space either. I really wanted to drink, but I was afraid of what would happen if I did. Beginning then, I would wander to downtown Moscow, Idaho and traipse through the bars. I'd just go in, then walk right back out. Not completely sure why. To see if anyone I knew would be in there, I suppose. Though I had no friends at that point. Hoping someone would welcome me in and make me feel at home. I felt at home nowhere. Not at the A.A. meetings I went to. Not at the bars. Not at home. Not at work. Not at school.
Eventually, I would settle down in Friendship Square on Main Street, and watch people go in and out of the Garden Lounge. For three or four hours every night. Starting when I was 21 and continuing through the following January. How I wanted to become accepted as part of that crowd! They seemed to be having so much fun. Girls would be laughing with boys, and many of them might even be hooking up. Not I. I just sat at the fountain and watched.