Just some musings, after reading through some trials and tribulations of some people I know, as well as considering my own experience. It was gonna be a comment in their LJ, but I decided to just write about it generally here instead. Hence, no names. Also, all definitions of terms are used loosely here. Any comments getting into my face regarding definitions will be deleted. Be smart enough to figure out what I mean from context.
First off, I am basically monogamous. I am open to
open relationships, but generally speaking it's not for me. Too much jealousy on my part. I don't like to feel like I am in competition with other men. It doesn't help that the one time I was involved intimately with someone who didn't want to be monogamous, she used it as a weapon. I had to treat her like a girlfriend; she got to treat me like chattel. She constantly put me in a position where I had to compete to be with her.
Currently, I am not dating a very wonderful woman. The ambiguity of the relationship has caused me some angst, but I have become quite content with the undefined-ness over time. It's not
open though. She's not seeing other people. I'm not seeing other people. We haven't discussed this. It just is. We spend time with each other.
I say this because I want to impart that I realize that relationships come in all different shapes, many of them very different from traditional boyfriend/girlfriend type things.
I haven't seen any drastic difference in the success/failure ration between traditional relationships and more open ones among my friends.
What I do see though is frequently people of one persuasion putting down participants in relationships of other persuasions. And then I see people who want a relationship of one type getting together with people who want a relationship of the other type. And then they both take their rubber mallets and try to pound the other person into the right shape to fit them.
I can't believe you would put boundaries on the relationship!
It isn't right that you see other people! In these kinds of relationships, I probably see no more fighting that generally in other ones. I guess what I find amusing is that each side accuses the other of doing something they themselves are doing: pounding the square peg into the round hole.
I made a post on the crack bored about living with other people's chore styles. It basically said, if you can't live with my natural frequency of doing chores, you probably shouldn't be living with me. Same thing applies here. If you can't live with your lover's natural tendencies toward monogamy/polyamory, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them.
Instead, they get together, pound the hammer, and then cry foul. The other person is behaving
wrongly. No, they aren't. Yes, it hurts when the person you want to be with lives a different lifestyle than you, and they are incompatible beyond accepting. Just because you hurt though doesn't make the other person wrong. Feel the pain. Lash out. Hurt back. Accuse the other person of being
wrong if you want. But inside, come to the realization that you are doing the same thing the other person is. Otherwise, I guarantee you it will happen again.